Category: A Sense of Self

Sunny Mood

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Let’s talk about managing stress and anxiety.

My expertise comes with no pedigree as I’m only speaking for myself based on my own experiences and results. So, take that for what you will, but certainly don’t take it for advice.

It’s no secret that I struggle with anxiety and depression. Or maybe it is because I feel like I hide it relatively well and that people just think I’m an antisocial bitch. While not entirely wrong I prefer the term “pro-solitude” to “antisocial.” I don’t know how much of the anxiety and depression are related to fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis, but my moods and my pain levels tend to run around in circles after one another.

At the start of March I decided to do something about it. I’m not a prescription seeker and generally try to find more natural remedies to the things that ail me. Still, I’d noticed that when I’d take my tramadol for pain, it would lighten my mood. It turns out this wasn’t my imagination or just my being happier with less pain, it’s a real thing. Again, I’m no doctor so if you are interested in why this is, please read HERE. What this showed me was that there is an imbalance in my brain that responds to treatment.

I did a lot of research and reading on supplements that help alleviate anxiety, depression, and pain. I also did a lot of research on what supplements could have potential interactions with my prescriptions. I finally settled on Sunny Mood by Irwin Naturals. (Nope, not endorsed by them, but if you go by how much my husband talks it up since he started taking it you’d think he was.) It works. It just does. I even brought it up to my doctor and she gave me her stamp of approval to keep on truckin’.

Besides being able to better handle stress at work, I don’t cry every day anymore, and I’m not taking as many pain killers. Last week I put on the NCAA DI Track & Field West Prelims and all through the planning process leading up and all the way to the second to the last day of the meet I didn’t break down. I snapped over golf cart keys on Friday morning, but no one is perfect. These gigantic yellow pills have been a saviour.

Besides the addition of Sunny Mood I’ve also been practicing presence and mindfulness and studying Buddhist philosophy. I’m calming the fuck down and it has me reevaluating so many things in my life. But that’s another post.

Balancing

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Balancing acts are hard. They just are. All of them.

It doesn’t matter if you are trying to manage your work/life balance or teetering on the verge of failing on another diet, the choices we make and the thoughts that lead to those choices lead to noise and chaos in our brains and ultimately in our bodies.

One of many balancing acts I’ve been performing is the acceptance/denial of living with chronic pain. But perhaps not in the way that one would expect.

Here’s the wrinkle:

If I accept the fact that I have chronic pain that creeps into my life and how it affects my ability to do the things that I want, am I truly accepting this fact if I want to tell my story to bring awareness and inspiration to others? By accepting that which is, but also indulging in discussion on the subject, am I simply feeding my ego and therefore not truly accepting?

This is a ridiculous point to most, I’m sure. What difference does it make? It makes a difference when you are working on healing your mind to get out from under depression and therefore more pain. See the cycle?

When I just get out and do the things there is nothing special about it to anyone other than me. When I tell others that I’m living with chronic pain AND getting out and doing the things then there is a “wow!” that follows. It has inspired some and while I found that motivating at first, I find it rather exhausting at the moment. But which is the right way to be? There must be a balance.

There needs to be a balance of my accepting the pain, not dwelling on the pain, getting out and doing, being inspirational, avoiding depression from thinking about it all the time. I’m spinning a lot of plates. It is surprisingly difficult to clear the clutter from your mind. The moments when I do are joyful and physically feel so much better. The change is incredible.

Rude Awakening

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It was 2AM when I checked the time. First thing I noticed was the searing pain in my hands. “Why!?!? Just let me sleep!!!”

Yesterday, I began my day with 25mg of CBD, had 800mg of ibuprofen for lunch, took another 25mg of CBD and 50mg of tramadol at bedtime AND STILL WOKE FROM PAIN AND INFLAMMATION AT 2AM.

The tramadol/ibuprofen combo will work if I take it medicinally every 4 hours. But my God, who wants all that in their system? Not to mention the drowsiness.

I’ve been fairly inactive this month. Running has been too hard. I need to get moving though. Get on the stationary bike, walk, just get moving very, very gently until this flare up goes away.

Unless I’ve been building it. Do you think my running 12 miles a week and cross training one or two times a week was too much? Jeez. How gentle do I have to be!?!?

I’m angry. Flare-ups suck. And like my rheumatologist said, you never know when one is going to stick.

Well, stay healthy my friends. And keep kicking ass gently.

The In-between

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Sitting in bed with my cup of coffee every morning, I spend time focusing on myself. My thoughts inevitably turn to managing and living with chronic illness; how having multiple chronic diagnoses affects my ability to do the things I love to do.

This morning I came across a blog post that hits pretty close to home and is a topic that I think about frequently: I’m sick, but am I sick enough? (Find it here http://balancedandblissful.com/not-sick-enough-when-your-chronic-illness-leaves-you-halfway-between-sick-healthy/)

I was diagnosed with RA in 1995. I was majoring in music in college. Percussion. I was a junior when it hit and I was forced with answering a tough question. What now!? There were exactly zero majors that had enough coursework in common with music for me to make a sensible switch and I’d have to start from scratch. It was my junior year. My rheumatologist said that if I kept up what I was doing there was a very real chance that I could lose the use of my hands. You’ve all seen the images. 21 year old me put down the sticks. A decision I can still make tears out of.

But it was real. The pain and swelling and blood tests were all very real.

I went through many times of peace and in those times I ignored my diagnoses… With caution of course. I’d flare up now and again. I got used to the constant mild burning in my joints so I was careful not to make anything too angry. Except that I was angry. It was early on that I decided that I wasn’t going to let chronic illness define my fate. I lifted heavy weights in the gym to strengthen the muscles around my weak joints. I went to yoga for calming and stretching. I ran because I could. I’d still flare up. I’d still make my joints mad after an activity. But to me it was worth it. Because I didn’t let the disease defeat me.

I’m in a constant battle with myself. What can I do to be normal and what do I have to modify because I’m not?

The fibromyalgia diagnoses came in 2015 when my pain started to change. My soft tissues were feeling it now. Go ahead and read the list of typical symptoms. Go ahead, I’ll wait. That’s me. Always. I would tell myself that everyone feels like this and that I’m just too whiney and weak to deal with it. But no. People don’t feel like this. People don’t just sit there in pain all the time. They just don’t.

In 2016 a hip impingement was found in an x-ray. In 2017 lumbar stenosis was found in an MRI.

The second fibromyalgia diagnoses came in 2018. And I’m finally listening. It took ALL THAT to make me listen. Talk about stubborn. Now I wonder how much permanent damage I have either done or am currently doing to my back. It hurts more than anything else and hurts all the time.

The depression is hard. It comes from all of this. The sense of loss, the feelings of inadequacy, the struggle with fatigue, the brain fog, the pain, the research, the worry, the experimentation, the endless need to find a way to be normal, the feeling that no one understands what you are going through, the loneliness. It all piles up. It’s overwhelming. I’m sorry if I cry at you.

This is me: who are you?

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See that? That’s me. That’s 44 with fibromyalgia that was triggered by 20+ years of rheumatoid arthritis. I’m a wife. A mother. A full time career woman putting on the largest and highest profile events for the capital of California. I’m a distance runner. I’m a yogi. I’m a photographer with a thriving little tiny business to manage.

Through all these things there should be more pride. But I’m tired. I hurt. My brain is foggy and I have to concentrate twice as hard to remember things or to process information. I’m lugging around many extra pounds which don’t help me any. My schedule is packed with events and meetings and photo shoots and cooking dinner and scheduling training runs. I’m tired. All the time. And that affects more than just me.

If there are any other Spoonies out there, anyone else suffering from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, RA, lupus, or another silent chronic pain ridden illness, please reach out. I’d love to hear about how you balance your life and thrive. It’s such an important story to tell.

And remember: keep kicking ass gently.

I Should be on the Side of a Milk Carton

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Because I obviously went missing.

Life does that to you. One minute you are full of dedication and enthusiasm for a cause or task and then next you are dragged away to take care of something more immediate and pressing. Careers get in the way of our hobbies and responsibilities to others encroach on our “me time.”

This month, the month of my birth, I am taking back my time. Never one to toot my own horn (and very likely to just give my horn to someone else completely) I generally don’t put myself, my needs, or my accomplishments ahead of others. But maybe that’s a huge reason why my self esteem is lying in a crumpled heap in a dark corner? Perhaps in order for others to value my existence and contribution to the planet as a whole, I need to first value myself.

Don’t look at me that way.

Work just kicked my ass hard. I spent all of August and most of September in a flare up of either Rheumatoid Arthritis or Fibromyalgia (no one really knows) and it sucked. We put in long hours with all the stress and all the physical labor. Stress, lifting, little to no sleep, long exhausting hours? No wonder I was in a flare. But that all came to a close at the end of September and now life can return to a normal rhythm. I decided that this is the perfect opportunity to reset my entire self. Celebrate my birth month, treat myself to the little things I enjoy, relax, partake in my hobbies, run and take photos!

And I’m doing just that.